


hand in (unlovable) hand

by MyMindIsDarkButItCanBeBrightForYou



Category: Starship - Team StarKid
Genre: ABA-like actions, ALL IN THE PAST, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Autistic Junior, Creative License, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Junior-centric, Kinda, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Reincarnation, Secret Identity, Tags May Change, Team Bonding, Trauma Bonding, also kinda - Freeform, as in the ship has an ai now, author is projecting, junior has trauma fuck you, new identity, or at least something close to it, past emotional abuse, this is just percy hurts junior: the fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23911345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyMindIsDarkButItCanBeBrightForYou/pseuds/MyMindIsDarkButItCanBeBrightForYou
Summary: When Junior died, he expected some kind of afterlife (even though God was dead). Most likely Hell or Purgatory, probably not Heaven. He did not expect to be thrust into the body of a Starship Ranger about to embark on his first assignment. He also didn't expect for that assignment to be with the exact crew he had been feuding with, including a somehow-human-again Bug. This trip would certainly prove to be interesting.Title from No Children by The Mountain Goats
Relationships: Junior & The Crew, The Gang - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 39





	1. It Begins

Of all the things Junior had expected the afterlife to be like, it certainly wasn’t a perfectly clean Ranger Academy dorm room. He thought back to Bug World. The last thing he remembered was being consumed by the bugs and finally falling into darkness, and then… then he woke up here. The datapad next to the bed beeped, reporting an urgent message, so he picked it up. He only saw his reflection for a moment in the dark screen before the home screen loaded, but what he saw shocked him to his core. Even before checking his urgent message, he rushed to the camera function to check what he had seen. Upon opening it, his fears were only confirmed. What he had seen in his reflection and now saw from the camera was not his face. 

Dazed, he brought a hand up to gently stroke his cheek, exploring the body he had seemingly been thrust into after death. His skin was tanner than before, though that had never been a hard feat to achieve, and he had a dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks, with a few also appearing on his hand. His eyes were green now, with hints of brown speckled throughout, and his hair, a sort of strawberry blonde that leaned more towards red, was slightly curled and had been styled so that he had just enough fringe to run his fingers through. It was… odd, seeing this other person copy his movements. What was this new person’s name? What did they act like? What was their past? As he thought, Junior came to realize something: he had been given a fresh start. A new life where his identity as his father’s son wouldn’t constantly weigh on him. He wouldn’t have to carry out his father’s orders anymore or worry about his inevitable disapproval. He was… free.

The beeping of the datapad jolted him out of his thoughts, and he pulled up the message he had been sent. It was addressed to someone named Janus Warder, presumably the name of his new body, and thus his new name as well. He began to read.

_ Dear Mr. Warder, _

_ Please remember that you will be meeting your assigned crew at 1200 today in Wingbay Delta— Bay 13. Bring all items that you wish to have with you on the ship, as you will not be returning to the Academy. Any items left over after your departure will be thrown away or donated according to Academy guidelines. Congratulations on your first assignment, and good luck. _

_ Commander Thati _

After reading the message, he looked over to check the clock next to the bed. 0900. He had a few hours before he needed to report, but that didn’t mean he had much time to mess around.

He didn’t find many personal items around the room, and of the ones he found, he only decided to take a few. They, of course, included the datapad and a watch he found on the bedside table, but he also took a few more… sentimental items. A blank sketchbook, a box of pens and pencils (both colored and not), a non-standard issue blanket decorated with stars, and a poster of the Earth’s solar system. He tucked these away in the Ranger backpack sitting by the dorm room’s door.

Next came clothes. He went ahead and packed all the clothes he found in the closet, not knowing when he would have an opportunity to buy more. Deciding what he would wear that day was a little harder. He wanted to make a good impression on his new crew and not throw away this new start he was given, but he also wanted to not seem too uptight. It probably took longer than it should have, but he eventually decided on an outfit: an army green t-shirt, tan cargo pants, and black combat boots. By the time he had finished getting dressed and packing, an hour had already passed. He finished cleaning his room before heading off to the dining hall for breakfast. He steeled his nerves to becoming this new person then walked out the door, officially starting his new life.


	2. First Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> junior meets up with his crew

As he strolled to the caf, Junior was greeted by other students, most congratulating him on his assignment. He smiled, greeted them, and thanked them. If he was honest, he just wanted to get this part of his day over with. He didn’t know if these people knew who he— or rather Janus— was, and he wasn’t sure if he could play it off if they did. Luckily, no one confronted him with anything too difficult or personal, so the walk was relatively uneventful.

Finally, he reached the dining hall. Without thinking, he grabbed a plate and went to fix a full plate, but as he was walking, he stopped. No one was going to snitch to his dad if he didn’t eat what he was supposed to; he wasn’t going to get a lecture for sticking to smaller portions or avoiding foods with bad textures. He could… he could eat what he wanted. A grin started to spread across his face, but he instinctively squashed it, returning to a more neutral smile. 

His fingers tapped happily against the plate as he walked back across the hall. Rather than oatmeal or fried eggs, Junior picked out a breakfast of mainly fruits coupled with a small cup of granola. He managed to school his face into a neutral expression as he ate at a corner table, but his leg shook with excitement.

Junior used his breakfast time to review all the files on his data pad; it was best to be prepared after all. Most were some form of assignment: homework, class notes, registration for crew assignment. He skipped through most of them, running his fingers through his hair to help calm his nerves. It still felt weird to be calling this body his own, and mirrors shocked him when he passed by, but he was managing.

Even after reading through anything he deemed relevant, he still had some time to kill. So, after looking around to check no one was watching, he turned to the Internet for amusement. He’d had his headphones on almost the whole time he’d been in the caf to block out the chatter around him, so he just had to make sure they were connected to his data pad before turning on a video.

Surprisingly, as soon as he clicked onto the app, an article popped up, talking about what had happened on Bug World. A flash of panic shot through Junior, but he managed to not freak out. He read through the article, most of which he already knew. According to the date the article had been published, it had been a week since he had— since everything had gone down. Bug had regained his human body somehow and remained with the crew while also working as an ambassador between the Bugs and the Starship Rangers. Junior’s dad had discredited him, saying that he had acted on his own, which he guessed was true, but having his father brush him off like that stung some. He should have expected it, of course, but still.

Eventually, he’d messed around for long enough that it was time to make his way to the ship bays. It had been a while since he’d been at the Academy, so he had to pull a map of the school to make sure of how to get there. The email had said Wingbay Delta, Bay 13, so he carefully made his way there, backpack over one shoulder and suitcase trailing behind. He tried to stamp down the nervousness and hype himself up. All of this would go great, he would meet his crew, they would get along, and he’d do his best in this second chance life. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost ran into a few people, but he managed to avoid it.

By the time he’d made it to the bay, he was cutting it kind of close. The ship was already docked, so he made his way over to the gangplank. Hesitantly, he made his way to the ship’s doors. He took one final breath to settle his nerves before opening the doors. He forced a smile onto his face then stepped onto the ship. His fingers tapped nervously against his thigh as he made his way to the main living area of the ship, conveniently marked by hand-made signs.

When he finally found the living area, his new crew were all chatting with each other, facing away from him. After standing there for a moment, he awkwardly cleared his throat.

  
“Hello?” His crewmates turned to him, and he almost missed the commander’s greeting as his brain went into shock. Facing him were all of the people he had just tried to screw over on Bug World.  _ Shit _ .


	3. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> junior/janus meets the gang!! we're getting to the good stuff now folks. this one's a little short but starting now we will be getting longer chapters

“You alright, kid?” Up’s question managed to shock Junior back to reality.

“Yeah, I just, uh, just kinda nervous, I guess.” Junior stumbled through his excuse. Luckily, the group seemed to accept it, and Up gestured for him to sit with the rest of them. A little bit hesitant, Junior made his way over to the couches, setting his bags down next to one of them. There were a few empty seats, but he ended up sitting between Bug and Up.

“Nice to finally meet you,” Up said. 

“Yeah, yeah, same.” Junior managed to stuff the panic down and paste a smile on his face. “I’m excited to work with you all.”

“Oh, quit it with the fancy talk,” Taz chimed in from another couch. She was leaning on Specs, her arm around their neck. Junior and Bug winced at the same time from the volume of her statement.

“Why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves?” Bug piped up. “I’ll go first.” He cleared his throat, fiddling a little with his vest. “I’m Bug. I used to be an actual bug but now…” He shrugged. “Yeah. Who’s next?”

“I’m Ju— Janus, this is my first assignment, and… I guess that’s it.” The panic was building back up, no matter how hard Junior tried to push it down. Bug gave him a reassuring smile, which didn’t help much, but he pretended it did. Both of them looked to Up to go next. Up rolled him eyes (was it lovingly? Junior didn’t have much experience with that kind of thing) but obliged.

After Up came Taz, then Specs, Krayonder, Megagirl, Tootsie, and February. Junior nodded along, smiling when he was supposed to and pretending like he didn’t already know them. Throughout the entire ordeal, Bug and February were holding hands. They tried to be a little subtle, probably because he was ‘new’, but he still noticed. Before, he would have made a comment about it, but at this point he was still 50% sure that they would kill him if they found out who he really was (his slight paranoia didn’t help). So he didn’t.

Once it was all said and done, Up put a hand on Junior’s shoulder. Junior flinched but tried to play it off, faking a grin. Up looked at him, brows slightly furrowed in concern, but Junior must have done a good enough job, because he relaxed and returned the grin.

“Why don’t you go and get settled,” Up said, looking down at him. Junior nodded and tried to discreetly slip away from Up’s hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” He bid them goodbye and gave the group a smile that dropped as soon as he was out of sight with his bags. When he’d finally reached his new room, he collapsed onto the bed. If he was honest with himself, he was probably having a minor panic attack. Which was perfectly reasonable… but it wasn't acceptable. He had to stay strong, be an example. Problem was, he didn’t feel up to it. So he threw his bags in the corner and laid down on the bed. Almost immediately, he was out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all ready for some Trauma?? cause it's coming


	4. The Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!! this chapter contains a nightmare in which dr. spaceclaw abuses junior. it is not a memory, just to be clear. there is also a reference to his in-canon death. quick overview of the dream at the end for those who want to skip. it ends at the seperation line (--------)

When Junior opened his eyes, he was back on the space station where he’d lived. In front of him stood the doors to his father’s meeting room. They loomed impossibly large, taking up his entire field of vision. He reached out to open them, but they did so on their own, silent.

The room was pitch black, and when Junior turned around, the doors had disappeared. He tried to feel for them, but they were simply gone. He turned back around only to be blinded for a moment when the light returned. When his vision cleared, there his father sat, staring Junior down from his chair. A wave of fear rushed over Junior, but he pushed it down and plastered a grin on his face.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” he asked. His father just glared at him.

“Stop smiling,” the man ordered, and Junior immediately dropped the grin. So this was one of those meetings then.

“Yes sir.”

“Your missions as of late have been... less than unsatisfactory.” Junior felt frozen in place by his father’s gaze. He tried to remain indifferent while his father continued. “Your mistakes have been costing me money and opportunities to continue my conquest.”

“I can do better, sir, just—” Junior was cut off by an electric shock coursing through his body. He fell to his knees, legs unable to support him any longer. As he looked up at his father, remains of lightning still crackling over the man’s hands, he could have sworn the room was getting smaller.

“Do not interrupt me, boy.” Junior nodded, wincing. His father continued. “I have given you chances time and time again to improve, but you continue to prove yourself incompetent and unreliable.” Junior blinked, and suddenly, his father was standing right in front of him, hands around Junior’s throat. There was no way he could have moved that fast, and yet the weight around Junior’s neck felt like an iron weight that assured him it was real. This wasn’t the first time his father had done this, after all.

Junior was held there for a moment, lungs screaming with the need for air. When his father finally released him, Junior collapsed to the ground, chest heaving. A scuttling sound caught his attention and sent adrenaline shooting through his veins.

“If you refuse to rise to my standards, then I shall be forced to throw you down with them.” As soon as his father finished speaking, the room dissolved around him, taking the older man with it. Suddenly, Junior was back in the tunnels, and the larvae were already surrounding him. He could do nothing but scream for help that he knew wouldn’t come as the larvae began to devour him. The last thing Junior saw before he died was an image of his father, shaking his head.

——

Junior shot up in his bed, desperate for air. He felt a stinging pain on his upper arms, but it was just his fingernails digging into the skin there. Trying to regulate his breathing, he forced himself to let go of his arms. Luckily he hadn’t breached skin, which meant he wouldn’t have to try and sneak some medical supplies when no one was looking. Although, he was hungry, so he should probably try and find something in the kitchen. It would be a good time to create a food stache too. So he reluctantly pulled himself out of bed.

His shirt was soaked in sweat, so Junior decided to change. The electronic clock embedded in the ceiling told him it was 4 am ship-time. He thanked Dead God that no one else would likely be up at that time. Quietly, Junior slipped into another t-shirt, this one soft and well-worn. After a moment, he pulled on a jacket so he had somewhere more to hold supplies for his stache. Previously he’d been their superior, so he’d made the rules, but now that he was the newbie, the lowest rung on the ladder, he would likely be subject to the rules the others had made. Even though he and Bug were technically the same rank, Junior knew from experience that he’d still be subject to Bug’s decisions. So if they doled out food like hunter animals often did— with the lower members getting the leftovers— or ran things like his father, who had often withheld food as punishment for failure, Junior wanted to be prepared.

With that in mind, Junior silently made his way to the kitchen, pausing whenever he heard a noise. He didn’t want the others thinking he was snooping around. The thought of the crew being suspicious of him sent a jolt of fear through him; he wasn’t sure what they would do if they found him out, but he was sure it wouldn’t be merciful. Junior took a deep breath, pushing those thoughts down. They wouldn’t find out as long as he was careful. He just had to be careful.

Junior had to fish around in his memory for a moment to remember the name of the ship’s AI. He knew it was old-fashioned, the tech department tended to like themes like that. Was it Daniel, Daldeus— “Darius?” he said, finally landing on the right name. “Lights on.”

“Turning kitchen lights on.” Someone had to have set up a nighttime setting for the lights, as they still remained slightly dim. Junior still had to squint for a moment though. Once his vision had recovered, he snuck over to the pantry to see what the crew had stocked. While he could have simply used the fabricator, he didn’t want to risk anyone finding out that he has been sneaking food, since the fabricator kept logs of everything it made.

Junior eased the pantry door open, careful to not let it make too much noise. Inside he found some protein bars, assorted bags of granola, and potato chips from a brand he didn’t recognize. There were obviously other items in the pantry, but Junior wasn’t focused on those. He was in the process of wrapping the chips in a towel to try and keep them quiet when he heard a noise from behind him. He whipped around, heart racing, only to find February standing there, confused.

“Hey, Janus, right?” she asked. Junior just nodded, his brain frantic. Would she be mad? Would she report him to Up? He didn’t think she would, but even still—

“Are you doing alright?” February’s question startled Junior out of his spiral. Her expression had changed, but he couldn’t say how.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. Just… couldn’t sleep, you know?” He shrugged and gave her a half-hearted smile, hoping to belay her suspicions. She didn’t seem completely convinced.

“Oh. Well, if you need anything, you can always talk to one of us,” February said, smiling at him. She reminded him of his mother, in the little times when his father wasn’t looking. But Junior knew looks could be deceiving. So he just grinned, nodded, and reassured her that he would.

————

February watched as Janus retreated back to his room. Something was off with him. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but something was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> junior wakes up where he lived with his dad. his dad meets with him and says he is disappointed. he shocks junior using Space Tech and then chokes him. his dad and the room disappear and junior is in the tunnels from the show, where he dies via larvae.

**Author's Note:**

> this is Complete self-indulgence and projection. i am really just vibing. anyways thanks to the dikrats discord for encouraging me. kudos and comments would be great!!


End file.
